MEET KATE
Meet Kate Hlava – a mom of 6 through biology, adoption and fostering. Kate is a recovering attorney, crafter and certified life coach who is here to help you with everything family.
Through her 26 years of parenting, trust and believe that Kate has made just about every parenting mistake possible and continues to do so on the daily. This is a no judgment zone. This is a sacred place for you to find clarity and inspiration at whatever point in the parenting journey you are currently undertaking.
One of my biggest pet peeves – when folks call you a saint for fostering/adopting and then go on to say how they could never do it. I have so much to say on this! If you are a current foster/adoptive family let me know what you say when folks say this to you – cause I know they do! Slapping is not an appropriate response. Ask me how I know.
BLOOD ISN’T THICKER THAN WATER
Who hasn’t heard the saying blood is thicker than water? You know, that age old saying meaning that the relationships we have with our blood relatives are stronger than any other relationships.
Oh how I detest this saying. You know why? Because it implies that I can’t love my adopted or foster children as much as I love my biological children. (Caveat I hate the term biological child as all children are biological beings. However I have yet to come up with a better term to refer to the children that I have birthed so for lack of a better term I’ll use biological.)
As a mother of adopted, biological and foster children, I can speak to the fact that you can love a child that you didn’t make as much as ones that you have made. Depending on the day you may love the ones you didn’t make more.
Here’s the thing. When you are caring for a child day in and day out, you tend to stop thinking about how they arrived at your doorstep. Whether the stork or a white DSS car delivered them becomes irrelevant, as you tackle the daily feeding, bathing, homework and general parenting tasks that accompany children. This is not to imply that birth stories are not important. Because they are hugely important and a topic that needs it’s own talk.
Let me tell you a true story.
My son Jack came home to us when he was 6 weeks old. He is black and my husband and I are both white. And despite the color differences, you forget about adoption. When Jack was 6, he had a fever but also a scheduled check up at the pediatrician’s office. I took him to his appointment and he excitedly peed in a cup so they could test his blood sugar. (If you’ve ever had a 6 year old boy pee in a cup, you know the joy that brings to the 6 year old boy – not to the person holding the cup). Turns out there was sugar in his urine. The pediatrician told me we needed to come back the next week when his fever was gone to determine if the sugar was due to the fever or perhaps diabetes. I worriedly called my husband as soon as I got Jack buckled in the car and told him. His response, “well, your mom is diabetic.”
Let that sink in for a second….
As far as I know, diabetes is not transmittable through nana cuddles. However, Jack’s adoption didn’t even cross my husband’s mind. He was just thinking that his son was possibly diabetic and that diabetes runs in my side of the family. Okay so maybe it’s just my husband and I that are so overwhelmed by parenting we don’t always focus on our children’s origin story. But let me ask you this. Do you have a spouse or partner? Do you love that spouse or partner? Are the two of you biologically related? Let’s hope the answer to that last question is no. If you can love your spouse/partner, you can love another human who is not your blood relative. It really is
that simple.
The bonds you choose can mean much more than the ones you are born into. Interestingly enough, this is the true meaning of the original version of the blood is thicker than water idiom. The complete saying is “Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb” The important words in the original version have been dropped over time. When including these terms, the meaning is completely altered:
The bonds that you’ve made by choice are more important than the people that you are bound to biologically.
And frankly, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
“Do I love my 6 children exactly the same? No. But not because of how they entered my life but becasue they are all unique individuals that love and receive love in their own ways.” – Kate Hlava
Children’s Book Author
Drawing inspiration from her foster kids, Kate wrote the children’s book The Moose and The Menace: WITS for the Win as a way to help kids understand boundaries. It follows the adventures of two little girls who just happen to be in foster care.
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Please keep in mind, as a life coach, Kate Hlava, does not diagnose or treat mood disorders or other mental illnesses. Life coaching focuses on the direction you want your life to go and not on uncovering underlying mental health issues. Those issues are reserved for licensed mental health professionals. When necessary, a referral for those services will be provided.